Since I’m campaigning hard and heavy, I rarely see television, though I keep it on for background noise and the news, other than the trashy ads which campaigns generate.

But, I never but never miss the Oscars. Although I have seen few movies this year due to campaigning, I love to watch the Oscars so that I can see the gowns the ladies wear. Some give me ideas of what I might be looking for or might look good in, despite being innumerable sizes bigger than the average Hollywood beauty.

Even being away at a girls’ boarding school for high school with lights out at 9 p.m., I snuck a radio under the covers, at least, to hear the gowns described.

Some years there is just nothing of which to take notice or something practical enough to wear in the real world. I mean, that gown of Jennifer Lopez’s a few years back, we all remember because it was cut down to beyond the belly button. Who in their right mind would ever wear something like that, pay real money for that rag.

And then there were the crazy, transparent fashions of years back for Barbra Streisand and Cher. I am sure that Mr. Blackwell, who gives the fashion awards, was only too happy to have them to chew on for deplorable taste.

But then, this is supposed to be about Hollywood glamour. Most of the gals who are sporting designer gowns have made their marks by taking off their clothes. I always thought that this was kind of strange. And, most of them look pretty sickly, really anorexic, making me worry that with all their millions, they still could not get three square meals somewhere.

That Keira Knightly, if she moved sideways, she would disappear, unlike the great Queen Latifah, who gives all of us larger ladies a bit of hope. She is ultra glam … and looks as though she enjoys a good meal, too.

Nicole Kidman, as always, was picture perfect. I met her once in person. Golly, she is tall and lanky, perfect for any clothing line. She always comes off looking classy and like a lady. Thank goodness she is rid of her former accessory, Tom Cruise, who could ruin the finest outfit.

Salma Hayak is gorgeous, but always looks as though someone shortsuited her bodice on material. She is always so squeezed tight that there is no place for her bosoms to go. I guess that is intentional, if one is trying to get attention.

Too many really low necklines are just not all that pretty. A little mystery never hurt a woman. Too much leaves too little for the imagination. Meryl Streep ought to know better, as she is a serious actress and does not need to play the starlet game with the big plunge. Yuck!

Those corseted dresses … oh my gosh. How could anyone sit through that long Oscar show with stays pushing every which way. Surely, breathing is out of the question.

No, not for me, that is for sure. I think breathing is pleasant, and intend to do it a bit more until the inevitable. I still remember Hattie McDaniel pulling those stays on Vivien Leigh in “Gone with the Wind” and that was enough to turn me off on anything so tortuous.

So, my all star of the evening was Charlize Theron. Now, that was a great dress, though I would probably never be able to handle a train following me around. My less-than-gazelle-like clumsiness would preclude me from stairs, sidewalks, cars and just about everything else that involved movement. Still, it was a dress I could wear?”a few sizes larger, of course, and only if something like it would make its way down to the thrift or consignment shops I haunt.

The jewels were totally out of my league, but fun to see. I wonder if the gals just borrow them for the night or actually own such rocks. And, why oh why, do such pretty ladies go out and do bad things to their hair.

Granted, I have innumerable cowlicks and other problems with my hair. But, they actually pay money to look as though they went through egg beaters or tortures to get a look that is less than flattering. Jessica Alba comes to mind. Beautiful woman, bad hair.

And so, here I am, the fashionista of Salvation Army, commenting about people I don’t know and only see but once a year. It is my little way of sharing the glitz and glitter of the night?”so different from a day in government.