With the exception of a few skilled and serious golfers, I’ll assume the majority of those reading this column play little to no golf — like me. You’re my golf-challenged target audience/demographic, so welcome aboard, fellow hackers, to the recent misadventure on a golf course I’d like to share with you.
Last Friday, I attended a golf outing/fundraiser at Carriage Greens Country Club in Darien. To protect the anonymity of my three golfing companions, I will refer to them as Tiger, Jack and Arnie. I’ll assume the pseudonym, Watson (since golfer Tom Watson always seemed very cool to me when I was a kid).
What wasn’t very cool over the weekend but uproariously funny and memorable was the gallery of truly awful shots our foursome clubbed over 18 holes of our “reported” attempt at golf.
Here’s a synopsis of the slices, hooks and shanks produced by the gang that clearly couldn’t shoot straight:
The “more pine tar, please” tee shot: Jack offered this gem when he lost control of his driver upon contact. Predictably, the golf club traveled further than his hapless ground ball to second base.
The “choke up and protect the plate” 7-iron shot: Watson (i.e. yours truly) was guilty as charged in this fairway debacle. After two swings and misses, I finally made contact. The ball went forward which is essentially all I cared about after already airing out my 7 iron like a swaying clothesline on two ill-fated attempts.
The “get me a ruler to measure distance in the sand trap” pitching wedge shot: Arnie got in on the act with this hazard shot from the trap, powering the ball about 10 inches, which left plenty of beachfront on his face.
The “hard break to the left miscalculation” putter shot: After the kind of collaborative discussion that would make NASA envious, our foursome decided the putting green on hole 15 presented a severe break left. Of course, when Tiger tapped the ball it broke further to the right than Rush Limbaugh on the EIB network.
The “all purpose” driver shots: Arnie and Watson continually called on the services of this utility wood, after a friend advised me it’s the perfect club to keep the ball straight. Like Jack wisely said after we sprayed golf balls all over the course with this club, “Boys, it’s the Indian, not the arrow.”
The “win $10,000 hole-in-one” driver shot: The 13th hole promised 10 large in winnings for sinking a miraculous one-timer. In our collective zeal to bag a bundle, we scored a triple-bogey. Keep in mind, we played “best ball” scramble format (which proved highly debatable in our foursome).
The “three coins in the fountain” mid-iron shot: Arnie led our team in water sports, putting five balls in the drink.
In fairness, each of us produced a handful of lovely shots — the kind that make golf satisfying, if only for the most fleeting of moments. Tiger carried our foursome by consistently hitting our “best ball” at each hole en route to a plus-3 team finish. The fact that Tiger’s assortment of solid shots occurred with a cigarette in his mouth at all times and plenty of Miller Lite ballasting his bladder seemed apropos for our group.
Despite our respectable collective scorecard, I assure you each aforementioned shot really happened.
Regarding the allegation that I drove our golf cart in a continuous circle at 16, I offer no comment other than to note it was totally awesome.
As we shook hands at 18 after three-putting our way to closure, our group exchanged hugs and high-fives. Tiger, Jack, Arnie and Watson (aka Brian, Brendan, Tim and Marty, respectively, relative anonymity be damned!) then took the party inside where we all had our best shots of the day … at the clubhouse bar.